A rich and zesty stew of criminal stupidity today – but first we must go far afield to the storied land of stump-toothed dullards:  

"NEW ORLEANS, La. (AP) _ An Oklahoma woman who was lured over the Internet to take part in a Ku Klux Klan initiation was shot and killed after the ritual went awry, and the group tried to cover it up by dumping her body on a rural roadside and setting her belongings aflame, authorities said."

The ritual went awry. Perhaps it’s just the sheltered life I lead, but I’ve never participated in any rituals that would result in death by gunfire if someone messed up a step or two. Hit the link for choice pix of the parties involved.

This just makes my head hurt. Not for the crime against property owners, but the crimes against the English language:

"Their home was being burglarized and they did what any other homeowner would do, they called the police. But then the tables were turned and they're the ones getting arrested!"

Yes, yes, it’s a transcription of a TV show, but that doesn’t excuse it. Or this:

"Police say it was all uncovered inside the Upper Darby home along with police badges and uniforms and it was the owners who not only invited police in, they say the couple called them to the house."

Stop! Stop writing like you’re talking!

Now, local crime.

“Theft. Someone stole a drawer that contained 35 bras from Victoria's Secret, 349 Northtown Drive NE. All were priced between $45 and $48. The brand of bra is ‘The Dreams Memory Foam Bra.’"

The male version would be someone stealing a bra that contained 35 drawers, perhaps.  The Dreams Memory Foam Bra sounds something you’d say when coming out of anesthesia Think History Cement Jockstrap! Purple Monkey Dishwasher Spats! Licorice Trilobite Rebar Girdle! Dreams Memory Foam Bra!

We're all at risk when it comes to crime - even ewe:

“Theft. Sometime during the night, a sheep and lamb lawn ornaments were stolen from a yard on the 11500 block of Kerry Street NW. The figurines were made of fabric and were held in the ground with stakes. They are weathered and only one lamb remains.”

Maybe the others ran away, which would make them on the  - no, I won’t. Some dignity remains.

How people get downgraded from “Friend” or “pal” or “someone with whom I am generally down” to “acquaintance:”

“A man reported that two acquaintances approached him near Polk Street NE. and Lynde Drive NE., asking if they could borrow $10. The man pulled out his cash, showing them a $100 bill. The acquaintances grabbed it, punched him in the jaw and sped away.”

Be on the lookout for someone six blocks away doing 7  MPH with his knees touching his ears:

“Theft. Someone entered an unlocked garage on the 5400 block of Jackson Drive and stole a child's battery-powered toy motorcycle.”

Meanwhile, in Maplewood:

“Theft. About 40-60 bras were taken from Victoria's Secret, 3001 White Bear Av. The bras were in a drawer near the entrance.”

I think we have a perv at work, or the return of Sh’blynnagoroth, the horrible 100-breasted she-beast who has slumbered since time began, waiting for the return of the old one. Just because she is the embodiment of implacable evil whose very name causes men to go mad doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate something that provides support and comfort.

Girl, you're gonna drive me to drinkin' /  if you don't stop drivin' that fogged - up - Lincoln:

“Careless driving. Someone reported a white Lincoln was all over the road and had driven in the ditch and median near 9th Street N. and Inwood Avenue. The driver was found and said she couldn't see because of steamed windows. The officer showed her how to speed up her windshield washers and defroster.”

The things you learn:

“Disturbance. Police arrested two men who were among as many as 20 people fighting at the West Side Grocery, 466 S. Robert St., police said. When police arrived about 5:25 p.m., an officer displayed a Taser, warning the combatants to end the fight. The two suspects continued to struggle, police said. Police tasered the second man, forcing him to sit down, and the first man to release him.”

First of all: how did the guys get tagged as Second Man and First Man? It suggests that Second Man was losing the fight at the time, but was belligerent and feisty enough that he didn’t qualify as a victim. At the time, anyway. So they Tasered him, because he had it coming, and this forced First Man to let go because he was suddenly holding 200 pounds of screaming dude. Interesting.

I’ll be your lawyer, son. Who have you defended before? Well, I represented the Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League:

"Theft. Store employees observed a 17-year-old boy using a 7-year-old boy to steal items from Coopers New Market on Yellow Brick Road. The 17-year-old reportedly was instructing the 7-year-old on ways to conceal items in his jacket. They concealed numerous packages of sandwich meat inside the younger boy's jacket and then exited the store and were stopped by employees, police said. Officers arrived and the 17-year-old blamed the theft on the 7-year-old, who was his nephew. The 17-year-old was charged with theft, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and driving without a valid driver's license. The 7-year-old was not cited and was returned to his mother.”

In the old days, they had the sense to retire to a house in a dim alley and pass out on cushions:

“A juvenile female reportedly was smoking opium in her vehicle while she was stopped at a red light on Hwy. 212 at Hwy. 41. She held a glass pipe to her mouth and lit the opium with a lighter as she waited at the intersection, then puffed on the pipe several times, police said. An off-duty Chaska police officer in his personal vehicle stopped at the red light next to the girl's vehicle and observed the girl light up and begin smoking. He contacted officers who were on duty and they stopped the girl a short distance later.”

One of our favorite phrases returns:

Public intoxication. An intoxicated woman was lying in some bushes in downtown Chaska near Hwy. 41 and County Road 61. A good samaritan located the woman and flagged down an officer. The woman had difficulty speaking and gave the officer a false name, despite the fact the officer observed her real name on her identification. She was placed in a detox facility.”

The other Samaritans would have let her die, but not the good one!

Ted Kaczinsky out on bail? Who knew?

“Trespassing. A man was arrested after he allegedly built a shack of concrete blocks, tarps and wood pallets on private property and lived there for about a month. The shack was discovered by hunters who went to check on their deer stands nearby and found them missing. The hunters also found a rifle. Officers later found another rifle and survival gear in the shack. The next day, they located the occupant. He faces charges of trespassing and firearms violations.”

Finally: a busy man had a busy night.

“Sex crime. A Farmington man, 27, was arrested for indecent exposure, shoplifting, receiving stolen property, tampering with a motor vehicle, and fleeing a police officer.”

Uh, these bras? They’re for my wife. They’re a surprise. As, I imagine, will be my call from the station.