The great nationwide Starbucks Outage is just a few hours away, and I hope you’ve laid in your supplies. You haven’t heard? Hmm. Well. At 5:30 PM today, every Starbucks in America will close, so they can . . .
1) Recalibrate the mind-control beams they use to convince people to pay four dollars for that brackish overroasted ditchwater
2) Determine if the carefully selected music makes patrons feel as if they are having a genuine urban experience flavored with an indie spirit, or an indie experience flavored with an urban spirit. It’s a subtle difference, granted, and if anyone doesn’t understand, perhaps it’s time you found another job? Mmmmkay? Okay, baristas, does anyone know why we play free-form noodly jazz at 8:45 AM, even though the entire genre of music makes people think of smoky nightclubs were all the musicians wear sunglasses are refer to each other as “cats”? Right: because it makes people feel hip. We used to play happy shopping music at barely perceptible volume, but too many people asked if it was meant ironically.
3) Herd everyone into a kumbaya session about the grand right future of the Starbucks brand. The answer is #3, of course. Says the AP:
“CEO Howard Schultz announced the 3-hour closure starting at 5:30 p.m. local time Tuesday to energize 135,000 employees.
“He wants baristas to share their passion for making espresso, or as he says, ‘to pull the perfect shot, steam milk to order and customize their favorite beverage.’
“Schultz says it's part of his refocusing on the coffee customer experience.”
If you’re selling coffee to customers, I think it’s a good idea to focus on the coffee customer experience. But I also grow a little weary of everyone having passion for something. I don’t expect anyone to have a passion for making a cup of coffee any more than I expect them to have a passion for getting a biscotti out of a jar.


The Onion is First With the News!
Again!
Earth First!
(We can strip mine the rest later.)